{"id":4420,"date":"2026-06-30T12:05:47","date_gmt":"2026-06-30T12:05:47","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relocationtimess.com\/?p=4420"},"modified":"2026-06-30T12:05:47","modified_gmt":"2026-06-30T12:05:47","slug":"im-a-pediatrician-my-unhinged-advice-drew-backlash-why-im-doubling-down","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relocationtimess.com\/?p=4420","title":{"rendered":"I\u2019m a pediatrician. My \u2018unhinged\u2019 advice drew backlash. Why I\u2019m doubling down"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\n Dr. Edith Bracho-Sanchez is a primary care pediatrician at Columbia University Irving Medical Center. She hosts the American Academy of Pediatrics Healthy Children podcast for parents.\n<\/p>

Read more The next test of the democratic socialist movement and other key races to watch in Colorado\u2019s primaries<\/a><\/p>\n

\n A few weeks ago, I posted on social media what I called \u201cunhinged\u201d advice I\u2019ve given to families. I\u2019m a pediatrician and a mom of two, and I chose that word deliberately \u2014 it\u2019s half sarcasm and half scroll stopper,but the point is that many parents have lost the plot when it comes to children needing to be comfortable with discomfort.\n <\/p>\n

\n In truth, I don\u2019t believe my statements to be all that unhinged.\n <\/p>\n

\n Before I go any further, it\u2019s important to say my statements were not blanket prescriptions for every family, everywhere. The words of advice are things I have said to specific patients in the context of knowing them, their babies, their households, their histories and their struggles. That context matters enormously in medicine, and it matters here. If that nuance got lost in a short-form video, that\u2019s worth acknowledging.\n <\/p>\n

\n With that said, what happened next wasn\u2019t really about my advice. The comments that followed were a referendum on what modern Western culture believes mothers are allowed to do and want, and what children are owed.\n <\/p>\n

\n The four pieces of \u201cunhinged\u201d advice I\u2019ve given in my office:\n <\/p>\n

\n 1. Take a girls\u2019 trip to wean your baby off the breast.\n <\/p>\n

\n 2. You need a date night more than your baby needs you at every single bedtime.\n <\/p>\n

\n 3. Don\u2019t make separate meals. Your kids eat what you eat, or they don\u2019t eat.\n <\/p>\n

\n 4. Let your kid fail.\n <\/p>\n

\n Many moms and fellow pediatricians were quick to agree in online comments, saying these were simple, common-sense tips that have worked for them. But soon enough, the backlash reared its head. The comments sorted themselves into camps, each revealing something interesting about how our society has come to think about motherhood, sacrifice and raising children.\n <\/p>\n

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\nChild with her mother in modern office space, child playing with toy as mother focuses on her. Scene shows bond between family members within workspace<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
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\nThe amount of mom-shaming is \u2018incredible,\u2019 \u2018One Bad Mother\u2019 author says<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

6 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n Camp 1: The martyrdom model\n<\/h2>\n

\n \u201cI will never let my baby fall asleep without me. I\u2019m not in my teens or early 20s. I\u2019m an adult woman. I don\u2019t need to go out for drinks while my tiny child I made is looking for me for comfort. This time is temporary. Love and nurture your babies as much as you can.\u201d \u2014 @jalaurpeno on Instagram\n <\/p>\n

\n I want to be careful here, because the feeling driving this comment is real and worth honoring. Early motherhood is fleeting, and the impulse to soak up every moment is human.\n <\/p>\n

\n But this commenter reframes a mother\u2019s need for rest, connection and autonomy as immaturity. Going out for drinks (code, apparently, for abandoning your child) is something teenagers do, she suggests. Adult women, real mothers, don\u2019t need that. They have transcended wanting.\n <\/p>\n

\n To me, this stance is the martyrdom model of motherhood, and it\u2019s pervasive across social platforms and the broader media landscape. This approach positions self-erasure not just as a sacrifice but as the proof of love. The more of yourself you give up, the better mother you are. Wanting things for yourself \u2014 a trip, a night out or friendships that exist outside the context of your child \u2014 is framed as a failure of commitment.\n <\/p>\n

\n The backlash to the idea of weaning off the breast through absence was similar.\n <\/p>\n

\n \u201cNo, that\u2019s just mean. If they\u2019re not ready to wean I won\u2019t do it. Going away for DAYS is insane. My baby is 2 and we never spent a night apart,\u201d said @kandersrum on Instagram.\n <\/p>\n

\n In reality, breastfeeding is a practice that has to work for both<\/em> mother and baby. The decision to wean, much to the dismay of many, can come from either party. In an ideal world, weaning is gradual and gentle. But many mothers struggle with gradual weaning; the body doesn\u2019t always cooperate, and neither does the nursing toddler who wants one more feed.\n <\/p>\n

\n What I\u2019ve seen, clinically and personally, is that sometimes absence is the kindest shortcut. Taking a trip, and letting the other parent or another trusted adult handle those days, removes you from the equation in a way that is actually merciful for everyone. The bond you built over months of feeding does not dissolve in a long weekend. That\u2019s just not how attachment works.\n <\/p>\n

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\nAim for dedicated times when you and your family aren\u2019t using devices, such as dinner or car trips, and then stick to them.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
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\nYoung people who say caregivers are distracted by devices feel less secure in their relationships<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

7 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n Camp 2: Girls night is suspect behavior\n<\/h2>\n

\n \u201cGirls night = excuse to act single.\u201d \u2014 @slugmire on Instagram\n <\/p>\n

\n According to this commenter, a mother who wants time with her friends, without her children or her partner, is not resting or connecting or filling her own cup. She\u2019s performing singleness, and she\u2019s suspicious. The girls\u2019 trip isn\u2019t just misguided advice; it\u2019s morally coded.\n <\/p>\n

\n Here\u2019s what I actually believe, as a doctor and as someone in a long-term partnership: Your relationship with your partner is not a luxury \u2014 it is infrastructure. A relationship fed with time, with attention, with the occasional night that has nothing to do with pickup and drop-off logistics, can sustain the enormous weight of raising children together.\n <\/p>

Read more How to prevent heatstroke and other heat-related emergencies<\/a><\/p>\n

\n The most stable, secure family environments I see in my practice are ones where the adults treat their partnership as something worth their effort and attention. So no, date night is not selfish; it\u2019s a smart investment and good parenting.\n <\/p>\n

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\nOccasional date nights with your partner can go a long way in strengthening your bond as you navigate parenthood, Bracho-Sanchez advises.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Chris Ryan\/OJO Images RF\/Getty Images<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n Camp 3: The catastrophizing crowd\n<\/h2>\n

\n \u201cLetting your kid go hungry because they don\u2019t like what you\u2019ve cooked IS ABUSE and should be seen as such.\u201d \u2014 @lyragoblinbongs on Instagram\n <\/p>\n

\n This is the camp I find most instructive, because it reveals how much modern culture has lost its way on children and discomfort.\n <\/p>\n

\n Let me be clear about what I said and what I didn\u2019t say. I did not say: Make food your child hates and force them to finish their plate. I did not say to ignore hunger cues or to deprive children of nutrition. What I said was: Don\u2019t make separate meals. Serve what you\u2019re eating. Offer variety as best you can so that they eat something<\/em> on the plate. And stop the bargaining.\n <\/p>\n

\n Bargaining and offering options teach children that the real meal is of their choosing. Why would any child engage seriously with dinner when they have learned that the actual food they want will inevitably appear if they balk? Kids quickly pick up that if they just play with the salad, the chicken nuggets or the peanut butter and jelly will materialize. What the mac and cheese parents think is their \u201cbackup\u201d is what the child perceives as the real meal awaiting. Not to mention that you are telling them, repeatedly, that your word is not final.\n <\/p>\n

\n So yes, I sent my child to bed hungry once or twice, and guess what? He woke up, made up the calories at breakfast and learned an important lesson: Mom was not bluffing.\n <\/p>\n

\n I have one more thing to say about the catastrophizing camp. The escalation to accusations of \u201cabuse\u201d in the comments tells us, in my view, something key about the current parenting climate: We are quick to conflate a child\u2019s momentary discomfort with harm. Discomfort and harm are simply not the same thing, and continuing to deprive our children of discomfort is a sure way to set them up to fail in the real world.\n <\/p>\n

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\nNew mothers who experience mental health issues need help but don’t often get it.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Akacin Phonsawat\/iStockphoto\/Getty Images<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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\nWhy is a mother\u2019s mental health so important? A doctor explains<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

6 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n Camp 4: The \u2018please let kids fail!\u2019 crew\n<\/h2>\n

\n It\u2019s hard to argue with the advice to let kids fail. But it\u2019s worth noting how many people took the time to stop by the comment section to echo this sentiment.\n <\/p>\n

\n \u201cAs someone who works in an elementary school, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let your kids fail. Problem solving and resiliency are nearly non-existent in children right now,\u201d @margaret_adelle said on Instagram.\n <\/p>\n

\n Most parents seem to agree that we are raising children for the real world, and not for a curated environment where every disappointment is buffered and every discomfort smoothed. And yet, at least some families seem to believe that in our day-to-day lives, making a separate plate and endlessly sacrificing to avoid their kids\u2019 discomfort is totally OK!\n <\/p>\n

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\nAllowing your child to experience disappointment and defeat ultimately helps them learn how to bounce back from failure.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
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\n But protecting children from failure and discomfort is not the same as protecting children. In fact, shielding our kids from disappointment and defeat may be one of the more insidious ways we fail them. When parents hover, negotiate and absorb every hardship before it reaches their kids, they are sending a message: You cannot handle this.<\/em>\n<\/p>\n

\n What builds resilience is not the absence of difficulty. It\u2019s the experience of difficulty, with a parent nearby who believes in their capacity and has given them the tools to get through it.\n <\/p>\n

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\nAfter failing as a parent, I gave up resolutions for two words<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

8 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n What the backlash says\n<\/h2>\n

\n The reaction to my suggestions was not, in my view, really about breastfeeding, mealtime or bedtime routines. The backlash was about what modern Western culture believes mothers are permitted to be and what children are owed.\n <\/p>\n

\n A good mother, according to my commenters, does not prioritize her own sleep, body, marriage or social life. She does not take trips. She does not go out for drinks. She is not, in any meaningful sense, a person with needs that are as deserving of fulfillment as her children\u2019s.\n <\/p>\n

\n And when someone suggests otherwise, the response is not just disagreement, it\u2019s moral indignation. What I was saying, in part, underneath the details of my advice, is something the internet found dangerous: Moms matter, too.\n <\/p>\n

\n Get inspired by a weekly roundup on living well, made simple. Sign up for CNN\u2019s Life, But Better newsletter for information and tools designed to improve your well-being.\n<\/p>

Read more How Trump chose a former Oklahoma state trooper to lead ICE \u2014 and handed Markwayne Mullin a win<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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