{"id":3682,"date":"2026-06-24T09:34:21","date_gmt":"2026-06-24T09:34:21","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/relocationtimess.com\/?p=3682"},"modified":"2026-06-24T09:34:21","modified_gmt":"2026-06-24T09:34:21","slug":"digging-into-the-vulnerable-parts-of-mens-lives-they-often-dont-show","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/relocationtimess.com\/?p=3682","title":{"rendered":"Digging into the vulnerable parts of men\u2019s lives they often don\u2019t show"},"content":{"rendered":"
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\nEditor\u2019s note:<\/strong><\/span>\u00a0 If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to connect with a trained counselor, or visit the 988 Lifeline website.\n<\/p>

Read more What you\u2019re getting wrong about feeling loved, according to relationship experts<\/a><\/p>\n

\n I was 8 years old when I learned that my father had multiple sclerosis.\n <\/p>\n

\n By age 12, I was his arms and legs. While my mother worked a full-time job, took us to baseball practices and cooked dinner, I repaired broken dishwashers, fixed lawn mowers and shaved him on occasion. At 15, I became strong enough to lift him off the sidewalk when his wheelchair fell over. When I was 17, I stopped looking for him in the stands of my football games.\n <\/p>\n

\n We never talked about my father\u2019s diagnosis in my family. It was a fact of life, and it was my job as his son to \u201cman up\u201d and deal with it no matter my age. When I was growing up, boys who showed emotion were considered weak. I was taught to bury everything for decades and pretend I was fine. I was not.\n <\/p>\n

\n My father died a decade ago. I haven\u2019t written about him much, which may seem odd for a guy who writes about fatherhood. I\u2019ve kept my emotions bottled up inside, and as a result, I\u2019ve isolated myself at times, which has led to hidden depression and anxiety. The \u201cface\u201d I put on for the rest of the world did not match who I was. Other men deal with it in other ways, such as violence, substance abuse and sometimes even suicide.\n <\/p>\n

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\nShannon Carpenter (right), author of “The Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad,” is seen with his father, Preston Carpenter, circa 1995.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Courtesy Shannon Carpenter<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\n Even now, it\u2019s hard to control my emotions when I do write about him, and I\u2019m absolutely terrified to put that vulnerability out into the world.\n <\/p>\n

\n But maybe it\u2019s time. Jordan Ritter Conn, the author of \u201cAmerican Men,\u201d certainly thinks so.\n <\/p>\n

\n Over the past few years, \u201cconversations were getting louder and louder about men not willing to show vulnerability,\u201d Conn told me recently. \u201cI wanted to dig into those pieces of men\u2019s lives that we\u2019re often told men won\u2019t show.\u201d\n <\/p>\n

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\nBusy mature businessman working from home and watching his crying son at night, who is is yelling at him. Upset displaced father forced to work from home as the pandemic corona virus (COVID-19) forces many employees to work from home. Real people. Copy space.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
ljubaphoto\/iStockphoto\/Getty Images<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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\nHow fathers can control their thoughts and find calm in the storm<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

7 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n Typically, men are written about as heroes, villains or comic relief. In \u201cAmerican Men,\u201d in which Conn follows four men who struggle with their masculinity and vulnerability, shows what\u2019s it like to live as a whole person instead of two fractured ones \u2014 the men the world expects us to be, and the men we really are.\n <\/p>\n

\n I spoke to Conn about why it\u2019s good for men to open up and how to do it.\n <\/p>\n

\nThis conversation has been lightly edited and condensed for clarity.<\/em>\n<\/p>\n

\nCNN: Many men live alone in their own heads and won\u2019t tell others how they feel. How do men start to open up? <\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nJordan Ritter Conn:<\/strong> We often need some kind of permission and structure if we\u2019re going to open up. We need to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the person sitting across from us is genuinely interested in our experiences and is curious without any sense of judgment.\n <\/p>\n

\n This is how I was able to get men to open up so much while working on this book. They knew I was not going to recoil when they told me even the ugliest truths because as they showed me small pieces of themselves, I responded without judgment. It took time.\n <\/p>\n

\n There are other places where we can replicate that kind of feeling, such as in a religious or therapy setting. It\u2019s even possible in more casual settings. It\u2019s a matter of just not being afraid to ask each other direct questions, and then not looking away when the other person starts to share openly.\n <\/p>\n

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\nJordan Ritter Conn’s book “American Men” explores the life of four men navigating the pressures of manhood and the power of vulnerability.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Grand Central Publishing<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\nCNN: How do men deal with overcoming the feeling of shame when they open up for the first time?<\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nConn:<\/strong> In the best-case scenario, you open up, someone hears and affirms you, and you feel connected, have your experience reflected back to you and understood.\n <\/p>\n

\n That doesn\u2019t always happen, of course. Sometimes people are bad at listening. Sometimes they say the wrong thing. Sometimes it can be hurtful.\n <\/p>\n

\n One of the men in \u201cAmerican Men\u201d had been carrying around these incredible wounds since he was a small child. The first time he opens up to a therapist, that therapist responded in the worst way imaginable. And Joseph finds that he\u2019s \u2026 fine. <\/em>He can handle it. He\u2019s proven to himself that he can say the terrifying thing out loud, that he can withstand even the worst possible response. He keeps going. He opens up again and again until he gets the help he needs.\n <\/p>

Read more Betcha can\u2019t eat just one: Addiction to ultraprocessed foods is real and increasing<\/a><\/p>\n

\nCNN: Many men are isolated in their own pain and often downplay it. How can they open up and get help treating that pain? <\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nConn:<\/strong> We have to invite each other into closer connection. Think of the men in your life. Not just your father or brothers or husband, but your more casual ties. The guy at your office or in your fantasy football league or at your church or your kid\u2019s school.\n <\/p>\n

\n Think of the thing you know they\u2019ve been dealing with \u2014 the loss of a parent, unemployment, divorce or struggles with parenting. Ask how they\u2019re doing, not just in the immediate aftermath of that struggle but three months, six months, two years later.\n <\/p>\n

\n And then get yourself to a place of genuine curiosity about their answers. Don\u2019t rush to try to make them feel better. Don\u2019t just move on to the next thing. Sit with what they\u2019re saying, listen to it, reflect it back to them, and let them keep talking and talking until they feel some sense of release.\n <\/p>\n

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\"Author<\/figure>\n<\/figure>\n\n<\/div>\n
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\nAuthor Jordan Ritter Conn says that opening up can help men grow stronger connections.<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Samantha Hearn<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

\nCNN: What about men whose feelings are expressed as anger? What strategies did the men you interviewed use? <\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nConn:<\/strong> One of the men in the book gets into a lot of fights. He had been bullied as a child because his peers could tell that he was gay, and as he grew up and grew into his sexuality, whenever he\u2019s reminded of those humiliations, he snaps.\n <\/p>\n

\n Men often respond to humiliation by grasping for any sense of control or power. We\u2019re taught that anger is acceptable for us to express \u2014 no other emotions are. We don\u2019t want to sink beneath that anger, sink into that sense of sadness or humiliation or grief or whatever other more terrifying emotion is giving the anger fuel.\n <\/p>\n

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\nFather holding his baby and taking a towel to dry him after bath time in the bathroom<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
AJ_Watt\/E+\/Getty Images<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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\nA father\u2019s poor mental health may harm his children\u2019s development, study finds<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

6 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\n When you\u2019re someone prone to anger, it can be a long process to unlearn the instinct to turn angry at the smallest slight. I think it comes from slowly feeling more love and care for yourself, reminding yourself that you are more than your humiliations. The anger you feel is papering over something else, some other feeling that\u2019s worth exploring and sitting with.\n <\/p>\n

\nCNN: Did you take away any peace from interviewing these men? <\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nConn:<\/strong> I\u2019ve found a sense of peace in how powerful it has been for each of them to see their stories out in the world. I\u2019m in touch with all four right now, almost every day. It\u2019s such a powerful thing, seeing your reality reflected back to you, knowing that other people are connecting to it, that you\u2019re not alone.\n <\/p>\n

\n It\u2019s so simple and basic, but that\u2019s all anyone is ever looking for. Just to know that whatever they\u2019re feeling, someone else has felt it. That they\u2019re connected to others who have suffered and struggled and worried and worked toward triumph just as they have. That you can speak your most terrifying realities aloud, and find someone who says, \u201cYes, I know exactly what you mean.\u201d\n<\/p>\n

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\nUSA. RAYMOND, ME – October 26, 2024:\rTwo attendees of the the Sad Dads Club retreat in Raymond, Maine, hug on Saturday, October 26, 2024. Sad Dads Club is a 501(c)(3) bereavement organization dedicated to bringing joy back into the lives of fathers grieving the loss of a child while honoring the children who have died. Twice annually, twenty \u201cSad Dads\u201d gather for a weekend-long retreat.\rCREDIT: Christopher Capozziello<\/span>\n<\/div>\n
Christopher Capozziello<\/figcaption>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n
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\nThese dads lost everything, and then they found each other<\/span>\n<\/p>\n

9 min read<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/section>\n<\/div>\n

\nCNN: What can fathers take away that will help them be better parents and better men? <\/strong>\n<\/p>\n

\nConn:<\/strong> Thinking about my son, if he decides to pick up this book when he\u2019s older, I want him and anyone else who reads it to feel the things that they are wrestling with, the emotions that they are struggling with, how they are unsure of themselves, just know so many people have felt the way that they are feeling in those difficult moments.\n <\/p>\n

\n And to know the harm we do to ourselves and others because of our own inability to always live up to the kind of standards that they\u2019ve inherited. Just know that this is something that has been felt before, something that has been experienced before. And just having a sense of not being alone.\n <\/p>\n

\n Shannon Carpenter is a writer, author of the book \u201cThe Ultimate Stay-at-Home Dad\u201d and married father of three.\n<\/p>

Read more Startling science: Taking an omega-3 supplement doesn\u2019t boost memory or cognition<\/a><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Men have feelings, but they don\u2019t always know how to express them. 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